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Fear
Stories:: Fan-fiction:: General/Character Development - Rating: Everyone - Submit comments here

“So, as last time think of the thing you fear most,” Professor Lupin said. “Then think about how you can make it less scary – humorous, even. This is exactly like we did in the last class. Most of you probably fear the same thing, but no matter. There was a boggart in the cupboard, and Professor Flitwick asked me if my class would get rid of this boggart as well as we had gotten rid of the last.”

Everyone around me was obviously in deep thought, trying to figure out how to make the same thing humorous in a different way. I was having a difficult time, though. I didn’t face the boggart last time, so I wasn’t sure what it would change to when it saw me.

What did I fear most? It wasn’t Death—the number of times I’ve faced Death! Would it be others dying? Perhaps—after all, the time I’ve felt the most fear from what I can remember was the time Sirius had that tussle with Remus in our fifth year. But even then, I wasn’t deathly afraid, since I knew that it was under control, to a degree. I knew I wasn’t afraid of things like mummies, banshees, spiders, and the like, since I had faced most of them. It wasn’t snakes, as I could reason with them. I didn’t particularly fear Voldemort, since he was as much under my control as I was his. So what did I fear?

Well, I was about to find out. We had formed a line, and Ron had stepped up to the boggart, which, with a crack, transformed into a giant spider. Ron had gone rigid, but as the spider started advancing on him, he shouted, “Ridikulus!” and the spider’s eight feet now had roller skates, and was stumbling about.

There were just two people in front of me. I had to come up with something. What did I fear? If I couldn’t figure that out, how could I make it less scary? I kept racking my brain, trying to think of when I’ve ever felt scared. Only times when I was a small child came to mind. I had since let go of all those irrational fears.

Finally, I was up. The severed hand caught in a mouse trap turned towards me. I held my breath as, with a crack, it changed into—

Me.

I was still, my wand held up. The boggart was doing the exact same thing but with a smirk. I didn’t move, neither did the boggart nor anyone else in the room.

My brain had gone numb. I couldn’t comprehend this. How could I fear myself?

Then something penetrated the numbness. I was standing in front of the class, holding my wand up to myself. I was known for not loosing my nerve, and I’d rather not loose that reputation. I had to do something.

“Ridikulus!” I said, waving my wand. Crack! Now there was a mirror reflecting the classroom.

I stepped down, still a bit numb as someone else stepped up to the boggart which had now taken the form of a giant snake.

“Are you all right?” Hermione asked nervously as I rubbed my head, trying to get some circulation back.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I told her. “I just…was really not expecting that.” I smiled, which reassured the others, who managed smiles as well.

After class, I hung back, motioning the others on, telling them I’d meet up with them soon.

“Professor?”

Lupin looked up, then, after seeing it was me, went back to what he was doing.

“Yes, Miss Amor?”

“Why did the boggart assume that form when I went up?” I asked slowly.

Lupin didn’t answer immediately.

“Well,” he said after assuring that everything was back in place, “it took that form because what you fear most is…yourself.”

“Yes, but – how can I fear myself?” I questioned, following him from the room.

“Maybe it’s not so much that you fear yourself, but that you fear your actions.”

“But what I do is a conscious decision,” I stated as we went up a staircase. “So how can I fear that?”

He didn’t answer until we were outside his office. He bent down to my level. “Mei,” he said in a low voice, putting a hand on my shoulder, “I know much about boggarts and what they do. But this is something that you have to figure out. If your greatest fear is yourself, then perhaps you tend to do things that you later regret, and you fear the next time that that will happen.”

He stood up and opened his door. “Have a good day, Miss Amor.”


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